Finding Your Dom Mindset - Part II ... The Reluctant Master

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it with reluctance.

Terence, Roman playwright

In the 1st Part of this series, I shared some initial correspondence I had with a new Dom on Fetlife and proposed that any hopeful Master who asks for "whatever insight you can give" does so because his partner suggested they add some kink to their relationship, and he is either eagerly pursuing it, or reluctantly going along with it in spite of serious reservations.

In this 2nd part of the series, I'll provide some basic concepts and ideas for the new Dom who has reluctantly agreed to learn about BDSM at the request of his partner. Those of you for whom that doesn't apply, instead relishing the prospect of delving deeper into BDSM, we'll go over some fundamental insights tailored specifically for you in the next part.

Perhaps we should begin by asking the reluctant Dom a couple of questions that he's not thought to ask himself, yet already knows the answers to. Why are you reluctant? And why are you pursuing BDSM in spite of your reluctance?

As to the first question, I suspect it has something to do with who you are at the core. You're probably a very decent human being, with an abiding respect for everybody.  For you, do unto others is something that comes very naturally. As a result, your basic notions of BDSM (forcibly exerting your selfish will over another, inflicting pain and punishment, etc.) seem wholly contrary to your personal ethos. Quite simply, you just have a hard time understanding how anybody can Dominate someone they care about, value and respect.

And yet here you are, which leads us to the next question ... Why? Why are you at least willing to consider going against your very nature by assuming a BDSM Master role over your partner?

"NICE GUY" AND BDSM AREN'T MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE
One mental hurdle I had in my early Dom days was the belief that BDSM and being a nice guy (meaning those who respect women, value of them as equals in a relationship, etc.) were diametrically opposed ... ie, you did one to the detriment of the other. However, the two can not only exist merrily side-by-side, but they can even compliment and bolster each other as well.

The key is that you're trying to develop this side of yourself for your partner's benefit and fulfillment. The fact that it involves BDSM is entirely irrelevant. As I've mentioned before, subjecting your partner to degradation and humiliation may seem antithetical to your previous assumptions about a healthy relationship, but "what" you may be asked to do doesn't matter. You're a nice guy who wants to provide for your partner what she wants ... that's "why," and that's what counts.

BDSM IS A GIFT BOTH MUTUALLY GIVEN AND RECEIVED
The most profound realization for me regarding BDSM was what a beautifully poetic and equal exchange the role of Master/Slave, Dom/sub actually is. No doubt "equality" in a scene may seem contrary to outward views, but at the heart of it 1) The sub has given her mind, body and soul over to the Dom; and 2) by accepting that gift, the Dom gives himself to her in return. When given freely and wholly, the exchange is deeply profound. Every Dom should feel special that his sub has offered the gift of herself, because it denotes deep trust, value, admiration and respect for the person who receives it.

TRUST YOUR SUB
For subs, BDSM is not a checklist of things like 1) Get tied up, 2) Be called a dirty slut, 3) Have face slapped, 4) Clothes-pins on the nipples, 5) Gag on cock down throat, 6) get roughly ass-fucked, etc. All that belongs in the irrelevant "what" category I mentioned above. What your sub wants is a state of mind that results from her surrender to the exhilarating free-fall of submission, otherwise known as subspace. There's no need to question it, wonder about it, or try to figure it out yourself - just trust that your sub knows what she likes.

IN CLOSING
These concepts represented major hurdles I had to overcome in my thinking when I first started on this journey. Reconciling my conflicting thought-processes were truly !Eureka! moments. Hopefully by sharing them here, you can experience similar fog lifting. Please feel free to share your thoughts below, or send me a message.

In Part III, we'll provide some basic insights to the new Dom who is most eager to being ... coming soon.