Finding Your Dom Mindset - Part I

Get into the groove.  Boy, you've got to prove your love to me.

Madonna

The other day on Fetlife I made the acquaintance of a new Dom whose profile reads like so many at the beginning of their journeys.  Here it is in its entirety:

Hello. I am new to the d/s scene. My girlfriend/sub recently introduced me to her secret fantasies and I enjoyed them more than I expected. I am here to meet new people that share common interested and also to learn from others' experiences to find out what I like as a dom and to better myself in the role to add to the enjoyment of my sub. I look forward to learning and living this new and exciting lifestyle.

I decided to send him a greeting message offering my input and was happy to find him warm, communicative and open.  Here's the initial message trail:

MrStanley wrote: 

Hello. Just wanted to send a note your way to bid you welcome to the site and to the kinkier side of life. How nice your gf trusted you enough to share her desires, and you were willing to oblige. Shows great relationship foundation right there. :-)

Typically I try to help new Doms when they've been cajoled by a kinky partner and are having trouble reconciling the apparent dichotomies of kink vs. love ... but you don't seem to be struggling with that, lol. It's very nice to see a newbie who understands that it's the depth of emotion between the D/s that makes the sharing of kink so complete & fulfilling.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi, and wish you both well. Please feel free to hit me up if you're feeling flooded in the BDSM information tsunami.

==========================

NewDom replied:

Thanks a lot. Ya she was worried I was going to freak out but i like trying new things and so far I am enjoying it, she is nervous about it taking over the loving part of the relationship too so I had to talk her down and told her that I am her boyfriend first and foremost and in the bedroom most of the time I am the Dom and occasionally do the "vanilla" love making. I am always ready to listen amd learn though, there is so much I still don't know so if you have any tips or advice I'm all ears. We are keeping to the lighter stuff for the moment so we can both get accustomed to it, so far we don't have any toys but I plan on surprising her with some soon that she has shown interest in but so far we have used restraints, light punishments like spanking and verbal abuse, orgasm denial, set up some rules, a little choking, and light nipple torture. So far so good and she is finally after 5 years of being in a relationship starting to enjoy giving blow jobs and she is getting damn good at it. But like I said if you have any advice or ideas for a new to the scene couple that is for the moment on the lighter side let me know. Lol sorry didn't mean to make it this long, you are just the first guy/dom that has messaged me on here

I was glad to get that reply only a short time later.  He seems very eager and for all the right reasons.  Unfortunately, his reply to my original message is just as typical as is his profile ... specifically the underlined parts that go basically "Lemme know whatever advice you can give me."  Every time I've begun communication with an eager, young Dom, they've always said something along those lines, which is not the easiest place from which to begin. It's kinda like hailing a cab in New York City and telling the driver, "Take me to a good restaurant" ... too open-ended for an adequate starting point.

Anyway, having exchanged messages with several new Doms that have begun in much the same way, I've come to realize a few things about any prospective Master who is seeking such open-ended advice from a virtual stranger. First of all, it means that kink wasn't their idea, which has neither positive nor negative implications. It just means that for whatever reason, BDSM just hadn't factored into their equations until a partner suggested it.

Secondly, once they learn about their partner's interest in kink, they branch off into one of two directions.  Either they relish and embrace the prospect of dominating, or they struggle with the perceived contradictions and misconceptions about BDSM and a healthy relationship.

If you've ever asked someone, "Is there any advice you can share," or at least felt inclined to ask, then I'm willing to bet that what I've described above applies to you. Fear not. In the next part of this series, I will provide answers to that very open-ended question.