Ask "Why" BDSM ... Not "What"

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso

I recently enountered an online debate arguing whether or not women who willfully submit in a BDSM context represented an oppression to women as a whole. Here are the links PRO / AGAINST. Not only were the articles themselves worthwhile, but I found the comments enlightening as well.

In the article arguing against the notion that female submission is oppressive to women, one statement in particular touched upon my previous mind-set regarding BDSM submission and slavery to succinctly explain why I was blinded for so long:

Those who condemn female submissives need to consider what conditioning has created their own sexual compass before they judge others.

Now that's not to say I ever condemned kinksters per se (sub or Dom alike), but no doubt my "normal" upbringing had resulted in a mind-set where I thought satisfaction and pleasure were derived solely from a Disney-like exchange of rainbows, lollipops and gumdrops. From there, my conditioning had resulted in a sexual compass that rendered me completely ignorant and incurious about BDSM as a whole. Oh sure I knew it was out there, but it had no appeal to me whatsoever ... if I was surfing porn and ran across latex, cuffs, floggers, and gags, I'd click elsewhere pdq.

That narrow scope of a "normal" mind-set coerced my thinking in two ways. First, I assumed there was no chance in hell any submissive could possibly enjoy being abused ... period. I mean sure they acted like they enjoyed it, but I told myself that they're porn stars who get paid to fake it. Deep down I was certain that there was no way they enjoyed it, because it was impossible for them to. Secondly, if the sub wasn't enjoying it, there was no way the Dom(s) could be, since in my own lollipop world if one person aint happy, nobody's happy.

For me at that time, those two truths meant that those who actually enjoyed BDSM were truly sick fucks whom at best would dismember small mammals, but at worst became serial killers, rapists and pedophiles.

From that previously narrow prism, BDSM appeared to be nothing more than one person doling out misery upon another who had no choice but to take it. Back then I could only see the "what" of BDSM which to me seemed nothing more than undesired abuse, pain, bondage, humiliation, and degradation. In a classic case of forest from the trees, the "what" aspects of BDSM kept me from seeing the larger whole, "why."

"Why" vs. "What"

Far too often, people enter into this world thinking only about the "what" of it all. "What" tools should I use? "What" punishment should I inflict? "What" methods should I employ? How can I give my sub "what" he/she wants?

Those are certainly worthwhile questions that will have to be answered at some point, but if that's where you start from, the sexual compass that was calibrated by your own conditioning could keep the forest hidden from your view.

The first question any new Dom/Domme needs to understand for him/herself is "why." Why does your sub want to give him/herself over to you? Think about that for a moment to consider the actual implications of one person willingly giving another person complete control over mind, body and soul.

I'll tell you what's implied in that ... Pure. Trust. In. You. Your sub already knew "why" when he/she offered him/herself to you. "What" you then do with it is more or less incidental once you understand and accept "Why" as completely as it is offered.

And with that simple change of vantage point from what to why, the world of BDSM opens up far and wide before you.