“50 Shades
of Grey" rant
Mr. Stanley and I started reading 50 Shades of Grey last week
and I must say the bdsm scenes will have to be fucking amazing to make up for
the first tedious chapters of shitty writing that we are slogging through.
Yes, naturally I am writing this post in an overtly lazy
attempt to drive traffic to our blog, but I also have a major bug up my ass
about this book. Can someone please explain to me why it’s an international
success?!?
Gripe #1: Get to the point
We’re on page 48 and not even one hard cock yet! Seriously
E. L. James, what do you think we’re reading this for? It’s not for your
literary prowess, believe me. Can we just get to the nasty, filthy sex already?
Sheesh.
Gripe #2: The subconscious character
Ms. James has undertaken the annoying practice of giving the
protagonist’s subconscious mind a vocabulary. She routinely reports on thoughts
and admonitions the character’s “subconscious” makes to her, clearly having
gotten lost the day her Psych 101 professor explained the mind’s conscious,
subconscious and Id divisions. Hello, you so-called wordsmith: the “sub”
conscious is under the conscious
mind. It does not have conscious thought, nor does it have words. Next time
you’re confused, use a dictionary, Genius.
Gripe #3: Bad American English
For all they snort about how we’ve butchered their language
(fair enough) I believe the Brits are actually quite fascinated with our hip,
modern English. But James has missed some of our best locutions, taking instead a
particular interest in the word “crap” and excessively inserting it into the
protagonist’s thoughts and dialogue in often curious usages such as “double
crap.” I’m relatively certain I’ve never said “double crap” in my life.
Gripe #4: Lame adjectives
Mr. Grey is sooooo good-looking. He’s such an attractive
man. He’s the most beautiful man Anastasia Steele has ever seen. Oh my god, and
he has GRAY eyes. And a GRAY stare. He’s soooo hot!
You call this craft, James? Try describing the guy, instead
of telling us over and over again how he’s the most attractive man on the
planet. It’s called showing, not telling, and it’s one of the first rules a
creative writer learns.
Or rather than torture us with your overbearing depictions, you
could just get to the sex already.
Hello, dear Patty ... Stanley here. I read somewhere last weekend that E.L. James is making a million dollars a week on the Shades of Grey franchise. Here's hoping the "scenes" in the book a worth that kinda bank.
ReplyDeleteCan we get a link to that? On second thought, I'd rather not see the proof. It's unjust, I tell you. Unjust!
ReplyDeleteOf course, in a world where reality shows have dominated television for the last ten years, it's not surprising. But goddamn, that's a lot of money!
http://gawker.com/5922151 ... you're welcome.
ReplyDeleteThe annoyances you ranted about here seem to be as widespread as the book's massive distribution. Amazing how unprofessional something can be if it's the first to touch something in people.
This morning on NPR they had a segment about EL James appearance at Comic-Con, and in that piece I learned about the book's genesis that helps to explain how such terrible writing ever got published in the first place.
ReplyDeleteBasically it was originally posted in episodes on a Twilight fan-site and generated a good following there. Eventually James posted it on her own site and then offered a PDF download for a fee. From there I assume a publisher picked it up due to the evidence of sales potential irrespective of the shitty writing.
You can read the transcript and listen to it here.